Growing Snowflowers

Somewhere out there....



In a country of 1.3 Billion (although the non-official count says 2 billion) is a little girl who has no idea that a family in the United States is anxious to see her face. I wonder what province she will be from? Will she be from the South like Piper, who is Cantonese and comes from Guangdong Province?

Wherever she is, she is probably not expecting three strangers that don't speak her language or look like her (okay, one might look like her!), to come and scoop her up and spirit her off to an unkown land, filled with sights, sounds and smells that she does not know or understand. She will be scared and will without doubt grieve the loss of the life she knows. When I talk to parents about adoption, I often get a 'look' when I start to talk about attachment..it's like people either dont want to believe or understand the implications, they just want to see the 'Happily ever after's'. If the people have children of their own I often turn it around by asking how old their child is...imagine this scenario

"how old is your child?"

"20 months next Friday"

"oh he is a handsome little boy,...how do you thing little Johnny would react if you bought him to a big office building, handed him to a couple with a different skin color that didn't speak English and they took him away to their home to raise? Do you think he'd remember you? Do you think he'd grieve for his family, his surroundings, all that he has grown to understand as permanent or would he just hit the ground running??"

most people are appauled at the suggestion but, quite often I get a wide eyed look of sudden understanding...I'm no 'shock jock' but seriously people...THINK!

Paisley WILL have issues to deal with in the 'immediate', and I'm pretty convinced she will need a lot of time and patience and understanding to get through the loss, and to recognize that we are her 'soft place to fall', it wont be a fairy tale of her being placed in our arms and looking into our eyes and saying "oh finally, the family I always wanted" there will no doubt be kicking screaming biting or even worse, silence...a sign of shock and a coping mechanism. It will be tough, Mike & I will be pushed to the limit I'm sure...but, if we listen to our hearts and follow some well worn advice from those who came before us and read some of the great books available then the rewards are...PRICELESS!

Today I am going to post about attachment...and link to a great site for you to take a look at Attach-China is a website set up for families with adopted children from China (although the resources are applicable to any adopted child)

Please take a moment to look at the 'subtle signs' section, it is really vital that adoptive parents and for that matter anyone who is going to be in an adopted child's life to understand the basic issues that many children have to deal with in regard to loss, grief anger and healing. This is not just parents over diagnosing their children, this is getting society at large to understand that being adopted means so much more than finding a forever family and living happily ever after.

This is a list of subtle signs of attachment sensitivities, not all adopted children have RAD (reactive attachment disorder), but many of not most of them have some 'sensitivities', and it is a good thing to be proactive. Watch, listen and learn from your child...it took us a while to get in-sync with Pipers sensitivities, we deal with them as part of our daily life.

What are the subtle signs?

1. Sensitivity to rejection and to disruptions in the normally attuned connection between mother and child.

2. Avoiding comfort when the child's feelings are hurt, although the child will turn to the parent for comfort when physically hurt.

3. Difficulty discussing angry feelings or hurt feelings.

4. Over valuing looks, appearances, and clothes.

5. Sleep disturbances. Not wanting to sleep alone.

6. Precocious independence. A level of independence that is more frequently seen in slightly older children.

7. Reticence and anxiety about changes.

8. Picking at scabs and sores.

My advice is communicate, communicate, communicate...with your child, with your spouse, with your family, with your school or daycare. Awareness & communication will make this generation of adopted children healthier, happier and better adjusted...if we just talk about it!

Mike & I have also been reading and re-reading some very important books, these will help us build a healthy, healing and loving environment for our daughters. I am currently working on 'Adopting the Hurt Child' and can also highly recommend 'Parenting with Love & logic' by Foster Cline & Jim Fay.

Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Needs Kids by Gregory C. Keck, PhD and Regina M. Kupecky, LSW

Holding Time by Martha G. Welch, MD

Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel A. Hughes

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah D. Gray

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child by Burton L. White

The Out of Sync Child, Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Integration Dysfunction by Carol Stock Kranowitz, M.A.

I haven't read all these books, I have chosen the ones that fit our parenting style and our ideals, no fancy schmancey parenting book will help if it asks you or your family to alter it's beliefs, or change so drastically that it causes upheaval! Find the books that suit your family's dynamic, we have made small changes in the way we parent, and some of the advice is dramatically beneficial!